Remembering Jimmy

Shortly before the Christmas when I was twenty, one of my best friends died at the age of twenty-four.

Jimmy was the kind of man liked by everyone who knew him. He was a man's man in that he loved sports (he had been a quarterback at a big 10 school), and women loved him because he was not only super attractive, he was unbelievably sweet.

Growing up, Jimmy was the son of a well-known lawyer and a mother who had serious, ongoing problems with depression. When he was ten years old, he found his mother hanging in his grandfather's studio. She left behind a long letter about her religious views, a letter that made her sound completely crazy. Jimmy was of course, compelled to read it.

Jimmy should have received counseling in order to better help him to understand, and deal with his mother's suicide, but his father didn't believe that it was necessary, and so simply told his son to more or less get over it, and be a man, or at least act like one.

Jimmy always loved working with his hands. Gardening, building things........Jimmy had the soul of an artisan, and he had a substantial trust fund from his mother, so Jimmy did not actually need to ever make a living, although his father saw this issue very differently.

His father did not wish for his son to be an artisan or practice a blue collar trade such as building, so he pushed Jimmy to excel in school with the intent being that he would eventually go to law school and join his father in his lucrative practice.

Jimmy hated the law. He hated law school, and he grew to hate his father, whom he saw as attempting to live vicariously through him.

Jimmy and I became friends when I was sixteen, having met at a political fundraiser through our fathers. At the time, my parents considered Jimmy to be too old for me to date, but other than that, they had no objection to the friendship, and became very fond of Jimmy, which was a good thing, because he was always underfoot.

Jimmy  was there for me through every event, large and small, from  the time we met. He was there when I fell apart after having been date-raped (at 16)by two boys, and tried to help me get through it (he also offered to go kick their asses). I refused to report it to either my parents or the police, because I was afraid that they wouldn't believe me, so Jimmy held me when I raged and cried, and talked to me as a good parent might have done. He worried along with me that I might be pregnant, and offered to marry me if I was.

And Jimmy was also there when I was torn up over my relationship with my mother. He cried along with me sometimes, and sometimes just listened and held me as I cried on his ever available shoulder.

Bottom line, Jimmy was always just there, and    always unwaveringly kind, considerate, and caring.

In October of the year that I turned twenty, Jimmy told me that he was in love with me, and asked me to marry him. I was truly very naive, and I did not see this coming. I explained to him as best I could, that I saw him as a friend, but not a lover or a husband, and that I felt I was too young and needed time to explore.

Well, Jimmy couldn't accept that, and we had numerous discussions over the next couple of weeks, with Jimmy insisting that he would wait for me to grow up or explore or whatever the hell it was I thought I needed to do. After a while, I became angry with him, and being a girl, retaliated by refusing to see or talk to him for a week or so. I had hoped he would let go of the whole thing, and we could go back to our usual relationship behavior.

The first week in November, I received a call from Jimmy's step-mother, Patricia, and she told me that Jimmy had committed suicide. At the time, I blamed it on myself, and sometimes I still do, although realistically, I now realize that it was a combination of many factors that caused him to take his life.

This time of year I always think of him, and I always feel sad and guilty. But most of all, I still miss Jimmy much more than I can express in words.

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Comments

[Margaret]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It's so hard to lose them.

Please know that I'm thinking about you today.

ê¿ê

[Heather]

Such a touching story...thinking of Jimmy and feeling sad is something you will always do...I hope the feeling guilty part goes away though...my thoughts are with you Nicole!!!!

[roentarre]

Hot and very well composed

Good use of light here

[Anna]

I'm sorry for your loss Nicole. He sounds like he was an amazing guy.

[Schumey]

I too lost someone very dear to me and for years blamed myself for it. I have moved on however and that I no longer feel the guilt but I still wonder where we would be now if things turned out different.

[nicole]

Weird. I've been avoiding responding to this post, out of ........I have no idea. Maybe cause it makes me think of him more?

*sigh*

Thank you guys for your support -- I very much appreciate it! :)

[Dan Branltey]

And it hurts to miss you everyday,
The feeling never goes away,
I'm trying hard to understand."

"I want to change the way the story goes,
Why can't it have a happy ending?"

"At night he whispers in my ear,
Hear his voice so loud and clear
He tries to help me understand..."

"He'll always be right my side,
A part of him will never die..."

"Michael" - Antigone Rising

[koe whitton-williams]

You know that I visit regularly. . . and I do enjoy reading what you've written. Your posting last month about Washington DC and Mikhail Gorbachev's visit, I found to be very thought provoking.

I've read this posting three or four times this week and although I was moved at first reading, I did not feel like I could comment right away. You were both very young. All I think I can offer is I'm sorry--and articulate this deep conviction I have, that relationships as beautiful as the one you describe, somehow renew themselves through the simple act of remembering and sharing.

[nicole]

@ Dan.... I love that, Dan. :)

@koe......... thank you,koe. :) I think perhaps you are right re renewal. In any case, I know I will never forget.