Notes to Myself: My Mother's Death

 When my Mother died in late July of 2004, my world changed drastically, as I suppose is inevitable, but still unwelcome.

My marriage, already on the rocks, deteriorated to the point of separation not too long after her death. His behavior during her illness, and subsequent death, simply put the nail in a relationship that should never have been. 

My reaction started out slowly, and as time went on, grew in to this thing, this monster, that seemed to be swallowing me little by little. Never a person who had many female friends, at the time of her death, she was the only woman in my life to whom I was close. 

She was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in December of 2003, in spite of the fact that she had never been a heavy smoker, and had completely stopped smoking thirteen years prior to this diagnosis. 

Silly me, after the initial shock wore off, I began to think that she would recover. After all, my Father had been the chairman of the state cancer foundation, and had access to the best medical minds in the field. He also had the funds to pay for any radical treatments that the insurance might not cover, and unfair as that may seem, I only cared to keep her alive, the bloody hell with fair. 

It wasn't to be. She underwent the removal of a lung, and all the horror that entails. After a few months of recovery both in the hospital and at home, she seemed to be improving a little. And I dared to hope. 

Shortly after Mother's Day in 2004, we learned that she was going to die despite the best efforts of my Father and the medical community.  I knew that I had to make the most of the time that she had left, and I arranged to spend a week or two at a time taking care of her at home, with my brothers, her housekeepers and the hospice people to help. 

She began making lists. She was always a list maker. Lists of people to contact after her death, lists of things for my Father to buy for each of us as going away gifts, lists of the people she wished specific possessions to go to, lists to help my Father cope, as she had been the guiding light in his life for fifty years, and theirs was a very good marriage. 

Sometime in June or in May, she asked me to take some of her favorite things home. She had wonderful taste, and had spent a lifetime collecting beautiful clothing, antiques and artwork. She and I were going through the front hall closet, under the guise of needing to clean it out, and she handed me her favorite Winter coat. She made me try it on, and I did, tears gushing down my face, great gulping sobs making me feel ill as I swallowed air. 

I refused to take it out of the closet or home, for that matter. I told her that she would wish she had it next Winter. I was so still in denial. Hoping beyond reason that this very strong, and always determined woman would somehow still be here next Winter. It was one of the most memorable and worst days of my life. 

She died in July of 2004, as my youngest brother and I held her hands, even though she was trying desperately to stay with us long enough to cast her vote in order to kick that miserable shrub out of office. It was not to be. 

God, I miss my Mother so much.

Copyright © by Inspire Emotion 2008. All rights are reserved. No re-posting of articles without prior written permission is allowed.

Comments

[Heather]

Your post had a strong effect on me this morning, as I'm dealing with a very difficult family situation right now! Not life threatening but difficult just the same!

My heart goes out to you Nicole... my father died 24 years ago and I still miss him! Some days so much more than others. It does get easier though...the memories are always there!

Like you I've never had a great deal of female friends...my father was a great parent/friend!

Life does go on...we do the best we can...eventually smiling becomes natural again!
Heather

[inspire]

Heather, you made me cry, but that is a good thing. :)

This time of year is inevitably difficult for me because of the associated memories. That and the fact that the male members of my family are too bloody stoic to really discuss it much.

If there is anything I can do to help you with your family situation, even just to talk, let me know. I am a good listener with a very sympathetic ear. :)

*HUGS* to you, and I really appreciate your effort to empathize!

Nicole

[Ken Armstrong]

It's a good post. Very moving.

I was debating a post about my own mum, who died a little over two years ago. I had decided not to, I think you might have changed my mind.

[Leigh]

My mother also passed away in 2004 -- April 24th. It was the hardest day of my life. I miss her horribly. Thank you for sharing your mother with us. I felt the love you have for her so deeply.

[Anna]

Thank you for sharing your story. I completely understand your feelings and the denial you went through. I went through this almost exactly a year before you...

http://arosebyname.blogspot.com/2005/09/i-hate-hospitals.html

[inspire]

@ Ken.....it could be cathartic.:)

@ Leigh........I feel for you. You would think that since we know/expect our parents to predecease us, that it would be easier. Of course, it isn't, sadly.

@ Anna........thanks for posting the link. It is always good to understand that others have been through or are going through similar experiences.

EDIT: @ Anna, I left a comment on the post to which you linked. :)

[A.]

My mother died three months ago now. It was different for us, though cancer too. But still very sad.

[inspire]

A......my heart goes out to you.